The Way of eBay
by Ryan Phelan
Summary: Mike's hobby is driving his brothers crazy.  So what else is new?


**This is the part where I post a disclaimer declaring that I do not own the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and that this is just a silly little story that popped into my head and found its way onto the digital page. I got the idea from witnessing my sister's insane love affair with eBay. I myself do not buy or sell online, so if there are any inaccuracies in this story I apologize. I did a little research on the subject, but I'm not trying to write a novel here, I'm just having some fun. In fact, I've spent too much time on this introduction already, so I'll end it now.**

**The Way of eBay**

It was a quiet day in the turtles' lair, due in no small part to Michelangelo's absence. For his brothers, it was a welcome relief; lately the orange-clad turtle had been getting on their nerves much more than usual, thanks to his recent discovery of the online flea market known as eBay. For the last two weeks he had been surfing the website like a turtle on a mission, and apparently that mission was to clutter up the lair with as much worthless junk as possible. He was now at April's picking up his latest purchases; the other turtles figured an intervention would soon be in order, but for now they were taking advantage of the peace and quiet by watching "Freddy vs. Jason" on DVD.

"That was so cool!" Raph exclaimed as they watched the end credits roll. "Isn't it great to be able to watch a horror movie without Mikey yelling 'don't go in there!' every five minutes?"

"Any movie, for that matter," Don said. "I once had to turn off 'Planet of the Apes' halfway through because Mikey kept trying to guess which gorillas were real and which were people dressed up as gorillas!"

"Weren't they all people dressed up as gorillas?" Leo asked.

"Try telling that to Mikey," Don groaned.

"Think we have time for another movie?" Raph asked. "I never saw the third Austin Powers flick. I've been wanting to for a long time, but you know what happens when Mikey sees or hears even a little bit of an Austin Powers movie!"

"Weeks and weeks of impersonations," Leo groaned. "Don't remind me. We must have smacked him a thousand times but he just kept going! He was like some kind of terminator programmed to annoy its victims to death!"

"So let's quit wasting time talking and just watch it already!" Don said, popping the DVD into the player. The turtles had just gotten comfortable when the shell cells began to ring. None of the turtles made any attempt to answer theirs, and instead looked at each other expectantly.

"I'm not getting it!" Raph declared.

"Me neither!" Don said.

"Me neither!" Leo said. The shell cells continued to ring; Leo cursed mentally before he picked his up, just as his brothers knew he would. Ignoring their satisfied smirks, he flipped it open. "Hello?" He said, making no effort to disguise his irritation.

"Leo! I need your help! It's an emergency!" Mike's voice cried.

"Calm down, Mikey," Leo said. "Is it the Foot?"

"Worse!" Mike cried. "I have only five minutes left to bid on Silver Sentry #13 and I'm five minutes away from the lair! Could you…"

"NO!" Leo snapped. "We've put up with this obsession of yours for awhile now, Mikey, but it's time to draw the line!"

"Please!" Mike begged. "This means so much to me! And I know I can count on my big brother to help me out in my time of need because I look up to him as a role model and, dare I say it…a hero."

"All right! Enough already!" Leo snapped. He got up and stomped over to the computer, where he pulled up the eBay homepage. "What's your login info?"

"UserID Shellback15, password turtletitan."

Leo reluctantly logged on. "You're still the highest bidder," he said.

"Okay, hold your position soldier," Mike barked. "And be sure to hit the refresh button every fifteen seconds! The enemy could swoop in and outbid you at any second!"

"Mikey, you're the only one who's bid on this item in three days. I'm sure you're going to win."

"Yeah, that's what they want you to think," Mike replied. "But the second you let your guard down…BAM! The prize is snatched away, right out from under your beak!"

"Couldn't you have done this on April's computer?" Leo groaned.

"I was, but she kicked me off," Mike replied. "She was getting kinda annoyed with me. She just doesn't understand the importance of my work."

"Yeah, she's the one with the problem," Leo said, rolling his eyes.

"I'm almost home," Mike said. "How are we doing?"

"You're still ahead with one minute to go," Leo said. Moments later Mike could be heard bursting into the lair, followed by the sound of many packages being deposited in the living room. The next thing Leo knew Mike was standing over him, breathless.

"Well, is it over?" Mike gasped.

Leo hit the refresh button. "Yup. You have the winning bid."

"Awesome!" Mike cried. He pulled up a chair and seized control of the mouse. "I got it for only six bucks plus shipping! What a deal!"

"Mikey, that comic book can't be worth more than three dollars," Leo snapped.

"Leo, I'm surprised at you," Mike replied. "You of all people should know that the true value of something can't be measured with money! Have you learned nothing from all of those credit card commercials?"

"Have you learned nothing from Master Splinter's lessons?" Leo asked. "Particularly the one that says true happiness comes not from material possessions, but from within you?"

Mike was too busy checking on his other bids to hear his brother. "We meet again, Starfire25!" He growled at the monitor. "You may have gotten the vintage Justice Force lunchbox, but you won't get the limited edition Justice Force chess set!"

"You know, Mike, if you put half as much effort into your ninjitsu training…" Leo began.

"Hey, bidding on eBay is a lot like ninjitsu training," Mike said.

"Oh, really?" Leo asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Really. It requires cunning, stealth, and a whole lot of patience. Every time you place a bid you are matching wits with hundreds, maybe thousands of opponents, and you gotta be the smartest, fastest, sneakiest one of all if you're going to win! Now if you'll excuse me, the spoils of mylatest victories are waiting for me in the living room!" Mike logged out of his account and left.

Leo was left staring at the eBay home page. The workings of Mike's brain never ceased to amaze him, but he was even more amazed that, in this case, some of what he said actually made sense. Of course eBay was no substitute for a real training session, but still…

While Leo sat pondering Mike sat on the couch inspecting his new toys. Don and Raph, having turned off the Austin Powers movie in the nick of time, watched the news instead.

"Check it out, guys, I got a Playstation!" Mike said, holding up his prize. "Can you believe it was only ten bucks?!"

"Why would you want a Playstation when we have a Playstation 2?" Don asked.

"How else am I gonna play all these Playstation games I bought?" Mike asked, gesturing to the items on the couch next to him.

"You can play Playstation games on Playstation 2, shell-for-brains!" Raph snapped.

"No kidding?" Mike said. "In that case, we'll put this baby in storage and wait for the next nostalgia craze!"

"Are you kidding?" Don said. "That thing isn't even good for spare parts!"

"We'll see who has the last laugh when an eighty year old billionaire pays me millions for this little memento from his youth!" Mike shot back.

"Mikey, don't you think you're getting carried away?" Don asked. "Believe me, I know how easy it is to get sucked into your own little world and forget everything else around you, but you need to come back to reality every now and then!"

"You worry too much, Donny," Mike said. "I'm having fun, getting a whole bunch of cool stuff dirt cheap, and no one's getting hurt! What's the problem?"

"What I want to know is how you're paying for all of this junk," Raph said.

"I've been wondering that myself," Don said. "So where are you getting the money, Mikey?"

"Just look at this Homer Simpson alarm clock," Mike said, ignoring the question. "In stores it costs more than twenty bucks, but I got it for only twelve!"

"That's great, but where did you get the twelve dollars?" Don asked.

"I know you guys are going to love this," Mike continued, reaching into a shopping bag and pulling out a rectangular box. "It's a popcorn flavoring kit! We can make over fifty flavors of popcorn! There's caramel, butterscotch, cotton candy…"

"Mikey…" Don said.

"Ranch dressing, sour cream and onion, cheddar cheese…"

"Mikey…"

"Milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate…"

"MIKEY!" Raph bellowed, snatching the box away. "Answer the question before I kick your butt all the way to Newark!"

"Okay, okay, just calm down!" Mike snapped, snatching the box back. "I haven't just been bidding on eBay, I…sold some stuff too."

"What stuff?" Raph asked, his eyes narrowing into slits.

"Just some old stuff around the lair," Mike replied. "Nothing we'd miss."

"MIKEY!" Leo bellowed from the computer room. "DID YOU PUT MY MEDITATION CANDLES UP FOR AUCTION?!"

"Are you sure they're your candles?" Mike called back nervously. "A lot of people are selling candles."

"Under your username?!" Leo snapped as he came storming into the living room. "With the description 'used by a real ninja?' Someone just bought them for twenty-five dollars!"

"Really? Cool!" Mike exclaimed. "I knew that 'used by a real ninja' line would jack up the price!"

"No, Mikey, not cool!" Leo snapped. "My candles aren't going anywhere!"

"Leo, no! That'll kill my feedback rating!" Mike pleaded.

"Your feedback rating will be the least of your problems if you sold any of my stuff!" Raph growled.

"C'mon guys, give me a break!" Mike said. "I just sold a few things from the storage room! An old boom box, some CDs, a couple of old board games, a few stuffed animals…they were just gathering dust!"

"Still, you had no right to sell our stuff without asking us!" Leo snapped.

"Less talk, more punching!" Raph snapped, lunging at Mike.

"Just hold on, Raph!" Don said, grabbing Raph's shoulder. "I'm not saying it was okay for Mike to sell our stuff, but he does have a point. We never would have known that stuff was gone if…" suddenly he stopped and turned to Mike. "Did you say you sold the stuffed animals? Including a teddy bear with golden brown fur and button eyes?"

"Um…maybe," Mike gulped.

"YOU SOLD SNUGGLES?! MY SNUGGLES?!" Don yelled, grabbing his bo staff. "YOU ARE SO DEAD, MIKEY!" He tried to take a swing at Mike but was held back by Raph and Leo.

"Um, maybe I should take a walk while you guys calm down," Mike said as he edged towards the door, never taking his eyes off his furious staff-wielding sibling.

"DIE TEDDYBEAR-NAPPER!" Don screamed. Mike turned and fled.

"It's okay, Don! Mikey's gone!" Leo said. Don relaxed and his brothers released him.

"Mikey…must...pay," Don growled.

"He will, and I know how," Leo said. "I saw a few things online I want to bid on."

"So…we're going to get even with him by shopping?" Raph asked.

"Yeah, when we pay for the stuff with the money we make selling some of Mike's things." Leo said with a mischievous glint in his eye.

"I like it," Don said. He immediately ran into Mike's room to rummage around.

"Me too," Raph laughed. "An eye for an eye."

"I prefer to think of it as ninjitsu training," Leo grinned. "eBay style."

THE END


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